hey monday!

today felt different.

it's not like i woke up this morning and gave myself a much-needed pep talk - you know, the whole 'today is a new day...do something great' sort of talks. i definitely didn't do that.

instead, i woke up lazily [note: slowly would be too graceful a word to use in this instance], with a sick, feverish little one and a drowsy husband next to me. we woke up with our phones in-hand, a terrible habit i so desperately want to get out of, deciding to keep our little home from school, which in turn would keep me home from my freelance work.

after re-reading that paragraph, i'm not sure how today was any different than every other gloomy monday i've felt not-so-motivated. the last few mondays (and to be honest, most days of the last couple of months), i've felt under-motivated. and even that may be an understatement.

but again, i said today felt different.

it was beautiful outside. honestly, absolutely beautiful. the sun was shining, there was something spring-like in the air...and that puts a little pep in my step. oh, and today was week 12 of my second pregnancy. which means the dreaded first trimester is over...and i think my body felt it (quite literally.) my perspective shifted, my energy levels, which had been building over just the last couple of days, finally got me off of my couch for more than an hour.

WIN!

i mean, i was still in my just-rolled-out-of-bed-find-something-quick clothes from this morning at 4p this afternoon, but my nails were painted...and not just my toes or my fingers. BOTH sets of extremities were painted, with topcoat.

this was huge. how huge? not only were my nails painted, i also showered and shaved my legs, i was excited to write, and i committed to getting our little one back into a bedtime routine (to hopefully rid him of his night terrors.) oh, and those piles of unfolded clean laundry lying in all corners of our home that i've grown to have a strong disdain for - they got touched - folded and put away.

today, felt different.

today was the day that i committed to loving on myself a little bit more so i can love on family and friends a little bit harder, a little bit longer and not feel sucked dry by the time i get into bed.

today, i felt powerful, inspired, committed to taking control of my circumstances and stop living vicariously through the people who inspire me on instagram or the pretty radical group of women i'm connected to through a facebook group.

some days are harder than others to feel like this, but yet again, i did say that today felt different.

homesick.

some days are worse than others. this, unfortunately, has turned into a whole week. 

i am almost 30-years-old and still get homesick. i have lived away from this place for almost 7 years, have a beautiful, supportive, loving family of my own, the best in-laws i could ask for and i still want my mom and dad.  

it's not just that, though [because, let's be honest: as much as i love being back where i feel most comfortable and in the house i still call 'home,' there is always a breaking point at which i want to turn around and run the other direction.]

it's all about what this 'home' represents that i am craving: genuine people, hard workers, kindness for days, creativity, appreciation for other people, familiarity, compassion, a fight-like-hell mentality without bringing others down, a village.

the last week has been unnoticeably and extraordinarily challenging for me. the cold of this northeast city, the looking down and avoiding eye-contact instead of looking people in the eye and smiling, the head shakes in frustration after getting off of an elevator full of women who love their lives, this tired and jaded approach to life has worn on me this week in ways that make me miss 'home.' some days i am strong enough to fight, other days my smile lines fade and i fit right in.

it's 10 degrees colder in that town, but the people are warm and today, more than other days, i miss that.

gratitude: seeing beyond the lines.

i am a product of this:

my great-grandfather (left) in his village in zaire/democratic republic of congo with what can only be assumed to be a belgian colonist circa 1890's.

and this:

my awesome dad (left) with three of his four siblings, all still living in small-town iowa.

and this (obviously):

two of the world's best parents on my wedding day.

today (and every day), i am grateful that these photos give insight into my family, my values, my upbringing. i am grateful that these three photos color my approach to the world, to my relationships and that they provide the foundation on which i will raise our son.

but today, this year, the context of these photos is different; the power in these photos is so much stronger for me, provides me with so much more strength to be the change that builds a legacy for the future of our children beyond color lines. beyond black and white.

today, i am grateful for:

• being raised in the middle of iowa in a biracial & bicultural home, where we never talked about race because we didn't need to.
• both of my parents working their asses off to provide me and my 4 siblings with the world (as we knew it.)
• access to high quality public education, accessible to everyone, regardless of income, race or neighborhood.
• the understanding that hard-work, dedication and thinking outside of the box can create your future.
• embracing anyone and everyone, as equals, for who they are and their unique experiences of the world, make the world a better place for all.
• rarely ever having to talk about race...even though my skin was brown and the majority of my peers had skin several shades lighter than my own.
• having aunts and uncles from a small town in iowa who were a huge part of my life and for never having to question whether or not i belonged.
• my father's passion for making a difference in the world and joining the peace corps and for my mother's willingness to embrace a new culture.
• my husband and his unique perspective.
• safety, support and systems in place that allowed me to thrive.
• seeing different colors for their beauty and loving just the same.

you see, i have a lot to be grateful for but until we can all see colors for what they are instead of seeing them as lines to divide, separate, push away, the issues that have been thrown into our faces will continue with fury. unfortunately, this is not a place to raise a child without a little bit of worry and a WHOLE lot of hope that things will change.