in·teg·ri·ty

inˈteɡrədē/

noun

1.
the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
"he is known to be a man of integrity"
synonyms:honesty
2.
the state of being whole and undivided.
"upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty"
from MW dictionary

over the weekend, i quit my yoga teacher training.

gulp.

i chose a program that I convinced myself would work because it was with people that I adore and in the neighborhood i love. i was going to be a 'hell yes' for this program even if i knew in my gut that this wasn't the right program for me. i was certain that somehow, the program would morph into the program i was hoping it would be. or maybe i would transform and fall madly in love with the program.

truthfully, i knew neither of those would happen. and i stuck it out for 3 months. i spent two full weekends meditating, practicing, connecting with people passionate about the work. and i also spent a little bit longer than that feeling like something was missing that i didn't want to acknowledge. i just didn't want to let people down because i'd been talking about completing a training for years and i had finally committed to one.

{pats self on back.}

but this training wasn't for them. this training was for me.

then, something hit me hard friday night (weekend #3 of training was 12 hours away):

i didn't want to go.

affer a good cry, a conversation with my husband and a couple of deep breaths, i said it out loud:

'i don't want to do this training anymore.'

for so many reasons, i just couldn't do it any more. and it finally felt good to not only acknowledge it, but to own it and be okay with it. something about this gave me freedom.

somewhere, at some point in time, someone said that you just have to walk away from the things that aren't serving you, those commitments, those choices that don't make your light shine its brightest. sometimes, you just have to understand that everything you do is a representation of yourself and to consciously make the choice to pursue something that pulls you out of showing up big and bright in this world is completely out of integrity with yourself.

i just had to walk away so i could be whole and complete.